Some advice? (When do you tell...)

[clatina89]

When do you tell...

I only recently got back into the dating situation, and it has been a very difficult thing for me. The last person that I was in a relationship with new beforehand about my hsv status, and she accepted me as I was. This made is easier when our friendship evolved and we eventually dated. Before her, I told another person that I had been talking, too, and that was also very difficult. I didn't tell the other person right as soon as we met. This wasn't done out of being dishonest nor was it done because I did not care about her. I was simply scared about everything, and I was worried about being judged. I have to live with the consequences of another person's lies and this fact is enough to deal with.

Right now I'm meeting people and someone might have caught my eye. I love talking with him and he has also let me know already that he likes me. When he told me this I became worried that the time would eventually come for me to tell him. I might be 3 years positive but this does not mean that I know about dating and the challenges. Part of me tells me to just tell him like if it were any other topic that we talk about and that I should care less. This is easier said than done, though.

I know that some positive people have said that they are exclusive and will only date or talk with people that are positive, but I cannot do that. For a long time I said I would do that, but I realized that this could prevent me from giving myself a chance with a possibly great [and non-hsv] match (note: there also aren't too many people on the Positive dating sites that are close enough to me). Where do I go from here? I can't stop talking to him just to avoid the "confession" but I also can't find the courage yet to tell him just yet. My intentions are to TELL him but I can't find the way to tell him.


What is yalls input??

[toriboo]

Well I say just tell him!!! Its always a good time to tell a person once u gain a little leverage! I always let people see a little of my personality first because it shouldn't be about da sex, it should be more about da person if they looking for a relationship! I am in a relationship with a non positive person myself! If u tell them and they will respect u as a person then u got something good! Don't give up though because there are a lot of man or should I say people lol dat won't turn u down!!! I only been positive since Jan and out of all da man da hollered at me, there was only 1 dat completely said dang and bounced! I had several dat wanted or relationship n a couple dat wanted some booty!! So its not da end of our life, and if u got faith anythings possible!!!!!!

[clatina89]

`thanks for the reply! I understand what you mean because after I found out and when I was eventually ready to date, I was involved in two relationships with non-positive people (and two other people wanted to have a relationship with me). It was extremely difficult to open up to them. Even though I have told people before, this doesn't make it any easier. Part of me says "I don't care what they say" but another part is scared. Whether or not I am thinking long-term with him, he is a very sweet guy and I have gained interest in him. I guess only time will tell, but I know that if I'm interested enough in him, I need to tell him soon. We'll see what happens!

Thanks for replying :)

[leonandmusic]

`I really hope that this works out well for you. You have my support :)

[clatina89]

`thanks :)

[stevejj119]

`everytime i start to get close to someone. i tell them. and they stop talking to me. over and over.

[clatina89]

`maybe they just weren't the right people for you?? everything happens for a reason...

[gideon69]

`i wouldnt tell at least not for the first year and you can tell how close a friend is by the things they share with you. I would wait a year and change before I get really personal . it doesnt get more personal than this ,lol take your time guys . I know we want to speed things up and kinda get this out of the way but just give it sum time. I didnt tell my girl till after we were talking for a year the i told her then I asked her to be my girl and she admired the honesty and we have been together since 2009. being close is not just her tellin you when she is having cramps ,lol the conversations have to go deeper than that . wait till they share some dark, deep secret stuff with you and then you will know if its time to tell them.wait till they share sumthing they would never tell another living soul then you will know it's time. because this is not sumthin you talk about over the water kooler at work.

[stevejj119]

`truuueee. thats real. me n my loud mouth lol

[clatina89]

`@gideon, I see what you're saying. My whole thing about disclosure is just that I don't want for my lack of it to backfire against me. thanks for the input! :)

[clatina89]

`update: I ended up telling him...he didn't stop talking to me after the confession--

[bazwell]

`Congratulations, Clatina! I hope things work out for you!

[egodamage]

`Wow! this thread is my first experience in sharing with fellow "Positives."

I have a pretty good idea that this new life experience is not going to be a smooth ride regardless what path you choose to take regarding disclosure.

You can withold and risk being rejected or embarrassed at some point, or you can be honest and risk it immediately. Or you may find someone willing to be at risk with you because they find you worth being with.

I learned of my infection when a new potential partner asked me to be tested. I am a widower of 3 years and was delighted to be tested with the possibility of being with someone very special. My life was looking brand new and then the heartbreaking stigma of learning of my infection.

I chose to be honest and take the high road, rationalizing that since I had never had an outbreak ever...that this could be a good defense to take a chance with me. Wrong. My new friend chose to end the pursuit.

All my defense rationalizations came into play..."Its no worse than a bad rash for a week or so..." (remember Ive never had an outbreak)
"Contagiousness cant be as bad as leprosy, otherwise the entire planet would have it by now."
"Beyond the outbreaks people have, some like me...never, how much damage does this affliction really cause?...Is it any worse than chickenpox?"

The stigma is the worst part...devastating.

We can learn to live with the stigma, and seek only partners who share the affliction, like a culture of vampires sharing a deep dark secret in common, or risk sharing ourselves with non pos people in hopes that they will accept the risk of infection in exchange for the delight of partnership with a real human being.

In the end we all have to live with ourselves. Self respect and human dignity are not forbidden to us. We need to own this, and learn to love and respect ourselves before any relationship will be succesful.

In the common world of social flirting, all of us here, have a negative mark. None of us got here on purpose! Hold fast to your human dignity. Love your self.

[thinkhappy]

`Should we go to work and tell them when we have a cough? Inform people we have a cold sore on our lip? Announce that we have the sniffles? Let everyone know when we have diarrhea? These can all be contagious things. Why does the world make a non-terminal STD an issue? And why are we letting it be one here? It really is not that big of a deal unless we make it one. I know that is hard to come to terms with, but once you do find solace with having HSV, you too will see it as less of a threat.

More of the good people accept it and the ones that don't, well, they don't matter. Unless you let their opinion matter. Chin up!

Hoping you all find peace within.

[(deleted)]

`I think anyone who witholds this info from an intimate partner is criminal. In every sense. If you know you have it, you have to disclose before being in close contact.

As to when is the appropriate time? The sooner the better. Why waste your own time and/or someone elses? Alot depends on your own personality and ... shall we say... "promiscuity". If you are the type who moves in fast forward, you should disclose right away. If you're moreso the "old-fashioned" type, you should disclose as soon as you are comfortable with the potential partner. You need to know them well enough to judge if they are capable of keeping your secret a SECRET. If you suspect they would blab your medical history to anyone else, they could be in serious trouble. That is law-protected medical information!!

It is true that you do risk angering your potential partner the longer you wait, but they also have to understand that you must choose to disclose the information to a person of integrity. Someone who will honor your right to privacy and keep your business to themselves. If they get mad, you throw that back at them, or tell them right before you have "the talk" to potentially diffuse any anger "the talk" can inflict. Most cases, they will appreciate your reason and take it as a compliment that youtrust them enough to tell them your baggage.

If you tell them before they get to know you, the chances that they will stick around are much lower. It's a terrible see-saw to navigate but eventually someone will find you. I gave up looking pretty much. I'm waiting for something to find me.

Oh and if you tell someone and they don't seem to care or have no questions or don't seem to contemplate anything about it.... YOU should be the one who runs screaming. Those kinds of people are not worthy of you or anyone. Don't let the moment, or our shallow pool, blind you from reality. There are horrible people out there and that is who you should distance yourself from. Be careful who you are telling your secrets to. Make sure they are not scumbags like the person who probably gave it to you. Make sure they aren't going to tell their buddies or your buddies or people you know. Make sure they are not going to see your predicament as a reason to isolate and manipulate you. Being trapped in a horrible relationship with some may seem like it's easier than trying to find a mate with your "gift" but it is NOT easier. It is a prison worse than this. There is nothing wrong with being single and independent. You shouldn't have to depend on anyone for your happiness except yourSELF. Everything else is a bonus ;)