Newly Diagnosed Confusion

[(deleted)]

I had my first outbreak last year around November. I honestly didn't even know what it was. I had a few different partners when I was younger, I was always hyper aware of what I was doing and who I was with. I used every safety procaution I could imagine.
I was married for 5 yrs and we used protection consistently until we tried to conceive and when that failed I went back to protection, esp since I thought my husband was seeing someone else anyway.
I divorced and remarried. I've had the same partner for 5 years again, I've never strayed or cheated on anyone in my life.
Before I married when I met my current husband, we had the talk about our past and I knew I had been tested and came back neg for everything. He told me he had been checked and was fine.. I trusted him. He had a vasectomy, we were both adults and pretty crazy about each other. But we put a lot of thought into becoming intimate.
Imagine my surprise when my husband leaves for Afghanistan for a whole year, comes home and a few months later I'm having a herpes outbreak and I have no answers.
My husband questions me as if I did something. I haven't. I don't have any of the answers I need or the support that I need.
I went a few months without any medications. I had a series of medical issues that seemed to culminate from my outbreak. I decided to ask my doctor about surpression therapy.
I've been on Valtrex since around February. I've been outbreak free until this month. It gives me waves of depression. My marriage is on the rocks, we're not close anymore. We're never really intimate and part of that is because he has a low S-- drive, and still seems to be reeling from me confronting him about the STD. He still stands firm he doesnt have it, hasn't had it.
He said once before he was deployed in the 90s when he was in desert storm he had an STD. He didn't and still doesn't know what it was but they gave him a load of drugs and moved on and he never had any problems. He is regularly tested for a variety of things.
From what I understand it's not something that really shows up in bloodwork. But then again my Doctor knows of a patient who got Herpes from sharing towels with a male roommate.

I don't know. My self esteem is completely gone. Marriage counseling might help. I haven't figured how to accept this, move on and how to live with it. It's hard for me to imagine I'm barely 30 and I have this life altering permanent STD that seems to make me feel constantly fatigued, depressed and lost. I know if my husband leaves me or we part ways regardless of who had it first or who gave it to who, we both have it and we're both in the same boat. You can't just date anyone you want anymore, it comes with huge warning labels when you try to meet people.
I don't want to lose my husband and I don't want to continue feeling like I'm at fault or to blame when I am certain I've been cautious and I've done everything I can to prevent something like this from happening.
I would like to get to a point where I feel I can trust my husband, because I don't. Maybe just get over blaming who did what and when and just accept it for what it is and make a plan to move forward and deal with it as it comes.

Doubt anyone will read this but thanks anyway

[msmekka024]

`I read it and I'm both relieved and sympathetic to your situation. Relieved to know that I'm not the only one out there dealing with depression spells, anxiety and sometimes hopelessness. I'm told these are all normal emotions that come with being diagnosed but in the end we choose how we will live with it. Some take it better than others but the best advice I can share is that no matter how weak or strong a person is, deciding to live your life to the fullest with herpes rather than letting herpes become your life to the fullest, is a major factor in finding balance again. We are who we are inside not only what others see on the outside or us being physically diagnosed with. This is why I try to surround myself with people who see ME and not my Condition. Hopefully the love you share with your husband will also find a way to see beyond the condition into the person that you both are. Its the best we can hope for in a friend, a lover, and in ourselves.

[(deleted)]

`I took the time to read ur story it touch me so a words of courage in wisdom is that u first have to accept and love urself before anyone else will and at the end of the day its all about urself and taking care of your health. And always look at the person standing beside u there life could be a hellva lot worse then what ur dealing with so accept what God have done cause it could be a lot worse life or death. So live ur life for what its worth love your husband unconditionally;but dont love him to where u forget to love urself first cause besides you and God noone will ever love u more. Take care hope everything work its self out

[toriboo]

`We all here to help out each other and I know how you feel because my situation was similar to yours. First thing first if you both don't put trust towards each other then it's not going to work anyways. 2nd stop trying to blame each other both of yall laid down with each other rather if you known they had it or not. Herpes is a regular std. You can get tested all the time and still have Herpes. Most places only test people for Herpes if they say they have an outbreak or they specifically ask for a Herpes test. Also Herpes does shows up in the blood, but it's all depending on when you get the test done. Initially around your first outbreak when you are diagnosed with Herpes it doesn't show up in your blood, but a couple months later if you ask for a 2nd diagnosis if you are positive it will show up in your blood! Counseling could be very useful and I highly recommend both of yall do it together. I don't think it's not one person on this site that haven't received any type of guidance or counseling since being diagnosed. We all been through that depression stage and believe me everything will get better with time. The purpose is to forgive and move on in life, don't be unhappy for the rest of your life because of a small obsticle. It could of been much worser, and we only got one life to live so I say Herpes don't hender happiness!!!! God bless and take heed!

[(deleted)]

`Wow! That is a rough situation. I have to say I feel like s--- cause I did not know I had herpes and gave it to a guy I was seeing. I had no idea I was infected! Now not only do I have to deal with the fact I have it but I also shared it with a man I care for. I found out last week from the girl my ex cheated on me with he also gave it to her and she cannot get a hold of him. I had never been tested for it in my past. He still wants to be with me and I am scared it is cause he feels like he cant date anyone anymore also but to be honest I kinda feel that way about him. It is a rough situation and I wish you the best of luck!