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Comedians/Comedy

 
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(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject: Comedians/Comedy

Hello folks (Yes, I'm still creeping around on here!)

Wondering if anyone has heard any good comedians telling any good jokes about HSV? By good I mean it A. is backed up by some degree of knowledge about the subject and B. doesn't make me want to curl up into a ball and die.

I don't know about you guys, but there are some days that I need to be able to laugh about this and I can't find the humour all by myself.

Sincerely, STD'd in Smithers

~ Heather
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(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

`In soviet russia, capitalist IS herpes!!!



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(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

`what we have is not a funny subject,but I was able to find some jokes.


TWO LINERS

Q: How does herpes leave the hospital?
A: On crotches

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea -- it can be cured.

Q: Why is Michael Irvin (Dallas Cowboys) like herpes?
A: He's embarrassing, goes away for weeks but then comes back, and responds well to drugs.

Q: Why did the dumb blonde name her dog Herpes
A: Because it wouldn't heel

Q: How can you tell if you're staying over at the wrong girl's apartment?
A: The towels in her bathroom are labeled "His" and "Herpes."

Q: What is a nymphomaniac's worst nightmare?
A: Meeting a handsome guy with a real big penis and herpes.

LITTLE TOMMY'S DEAD FROG
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (Thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this." Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a $100 bill which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the $100 vanishes.Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another $100 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?""Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the mo Ing, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

JEWISH HERPES
There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says...herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

GENITAL HERPES ANAGRAMS
The large penis.
A serene plight.
Hate leper sign.
Help greet a sin.
Gather in sleep. [they only come out at night...]
Spangle it here.
Sing! Heal peter! [music therapy? note slang: peter=penis]
Seething pearl.
Herpes A? Tingle.
[and by the way: Genital=A tingle]
A greenish pelt.
A pee length, sir. [doesn't seem to mean anything, but sounds good]
Shine large pet
Heal tense grip.
Heal pee string.
His gentle.
Gentile phrase. [?]

THE OFFICIAL s-- QUIZ
Study each question carefully. Then choose True or False. ?.
A clitoris is a type of flower. ?.
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. ?.
"Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird. ?.
Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. ?.
A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. ?.
A g-string is part of a violin. ?.
Semen is another word for "sailors." ?.
Anus is the Latin word for "yearly." ?.
Testicles are found on an octopus. ?.
Asphalt describes rectal troubles. ?.
KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. ?.
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. ?.
Coitus is a musical instrument. ?.
Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke." ?.
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. ?.
A condom is an apartment complex. ?.
An ------ is the person who accompanies the choir in church. ?.
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. ?.
A d---- is a variety of sweet pickles. ?.
An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials. ?.
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. ?.
Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. ?.
----ography is the business of making record albums. ?.
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. ?.
Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."?.
An enema is someone who is not your friend. ?.
Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. ?.
Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. ?.
A vulva is an automobile from Sweden. ?.
A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set. ?.
Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger. ?.
Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages. ?.
Phallus was a city on the Nile. ?.
VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11. ?.
A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk ?.
Herpes was a Greek god. ?.


GREETINGS THAT HALLMARK NEVER USED....
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!'Cause when I got one, I got real snippy.
I heard you had herpes And I feel terrible.I'd say "get well soon" But I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry!
You had your bladder removed, And you're on the mends.Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends.
So you lost your job, It's one of those hardships in life.Next time, work harder And stay away from the boss's wife.
I heard you had herpes And I feel terrible.I'd say "get well soon" But I know it's incurable.

DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now", he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having s----l intercourse with her."Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."


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(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

`One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) stand-up comedian

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