Not Coping Well

[nostolgic]

I am 27. In January 2010, I was hospitalized with viral meningitis, which was the systemic spread of the first herpes outbreak. Apparently, it's rare, but it happens with people who have compromised immune systems. They tested me twice for HIV because they didn't believe that my immune system was so shot. It turned out that my drinking habits had ruined it and allowed herpes to progress to become viral meningitis. I had only been with my boyfriend for six months, and the doctor, who is an expert in the field and helped design the drug Valtrex, told me that it was likely that my boyfriend had had it and that he wasn't a shedder.
My boyfriend swore he had never had an outbreak or reason to believe he had it, but he tested positive before he had an outbreak later on that year. It's likely he gave it to me and still won't admit to knowing he had it.
Feeling really, really unattractive, I condemned myself to a life with this guy, figuring nobody else was going to want me. And three months later, I was pregnant with his child. During and after the pregnancy, he has been abusive and controlling. I feel trapped by my undesirablity, misled by someone I loved, and completely helpless as far as my economic dependence on him for the medication and the means to take care of my child.
I wish I could get out of this frantic sate of mind. If I don't play nice with him, he won't give me free Valtrex... he talked me into quitting my job when the baby came, so I can't afford it myself... in spite of the fact that my doctor says it won't, I have an irrational fear that an outbreak will trigger meningitis again... and now, I have a daughter to care for... and if I'm not nice to him, he won't buy her diapers and formula which I can't afford. I battle with the idea of suicide all the time now, and since fighting with my boyfriend, fear that I'll be alone for the rest of my life but beholden to him to produce our child whenever he pleases.
Among other things, I marvel at how absolutely unfair it is for a necessary drug to cost so much. My first supply wiped out my bank account - and I had a job then!

[maria55]

`I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough time. Hang in there,and if I were u I would search for a job so that u can gain your independence back. Even if u feel like no one else wants to be with u love yourself enough to want to live & be there for your baby. I know its easier said than done but you can do it. Trust me there is someone out there for you, and besides that suicide will only promise a life in hell much worse than your current situation. All wemon have it in them to be strong sometimes we just have to remind ourselves.I will certainly pray that your current situation gets better and will be here if u need to chat. I'm a single mom of 3 so hang in there.

[(deleted)]

`I think that you need to get away at all costs! I was in an abusive situation before and felt the dependency on him but you have to think of the baby. s--- on welfare you can be happy and give your child a better out look on life then living the way you do. In fear all the time you will never excel your self past survival. That is what you child will see is fear. You can get assistance with medicine if you are in school and have a low income. I do! It is possible but scary, I can understand that but if you never try you will always live this way. Suicide should be the last thing on your mind! Think of what you will leave your child with! What would she become? Get it together sweetheart! If I can do this anybody can do this.